Friend or Foe.
I’m back to blogging and it feels so good!
When I blogged often through seasons of my life, I found this was when I am the most creative, highest version of me. Connected though oneness with my soul-self. I like to refer to my soul-self as the spirit inside of me- the relationship I have with ME inside and out. From what's deep in my heart, soul and intuition to my coat of armor I walk around everyday, my body.
There has been an ongoing conversation of friendship within my household.
What is friendship?
Well here's the Webster definition of “friendship”: the state of being friends.
It’s pretty simple huh?
My definition of true friendship goes a bit deeper.
True Friendship is a TWO way street, there are 2 people in the relationship and it's a give and receive. It’s about having one's back through good times and their darkest times, not always getting along, yet being able to talk about their hurt and most of all the unconditional underlying love and trust the friendship endures. It's not being afraid to stand up for them, even if that means standing alone. It’s also being able to tell your friend when you disagree with something they did or said, lovingly. I tell my tribe all the time, please choose to surround yourself with others who feel like the sun, people who PRAY for you behind your back, not talk about you.
Separately and collectively this has been an ongoing conversation, sensitive, yet mindful learning moments for all of us. My family has been talking a lot about relationships and how some friends, even family, may unknowingly be in a relationship with another for the wrong reasons. Some people feed off of drama and negative energy. They may subconsciously be having their own imposter syndrome, self doubts and instead of facing what's going on inside of themselves, in their own environment - they seek to indulge themselves in others highs and lows in life, yet in a not so supportive way. Others you may have great 1:1 friendships, but when new friends or other friends come in the mix there can be triggered envy or jealousy inside of them, that causes rifts in your friendship and makes things uncomfortable. Another kind of relationship/friendship is that others like what they see in you and your family - that lights them up when they are around you.
Does that make sense?
From experience I can tell you there IS enough LOVE to go around. For others to be loved, give love and attention to all. Love in friendships and relationships is not scarce unless you make it that way. There is no reason to feel you're not worthy or appreciated less than another in that person’s life. We love everyone differently and each person, friend or relationship we hold in our lives fill a special place in our hearts. Our hearts GROW the more we love, give love and receive love.
Recognize, it's “easier” to be on the friend's side than the foe- because by not being friends with someone, that may indeed affect other relationships you may have in common. It’s like the saying “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”
Is it though? I beg to disagree.
Does that make your heart happy?
Does that relationship feel like the sun?
Is it healthy to be in a relationship where you feel you are constantly “standing guard” waiting for that person to hurt you again?
What about trust? Webster dictionary definition of trust: “reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something.”
The older I get the smaller my tribe, and I’m okay with that.
My friendships, my relationships are based on unconditional love, trust and showing up not just at my wins but at my hardest, darkest hours. And most importantly, seeing it through! I have many friends I love and adore, some I just know in my heart, in order to protect my peace, my deepest darkest, I may need to love from a distance- because it's for the highest good of our relationship. Other friends I may not see for months or years but when we are together, we have an unconditional love and understanding that what we share is real, rare and worth the journey.
I prayed this morning around “friendship” for my children, my husband and myself- each of us have a friendship conflict in our lives and as I prayed I pulled the card called “Insight” and this is what it says.
“I trust in my ability to have clear insight as I open myself up to the flow of universal energy. The gift of insight is granted to help you understand your relationships with other people and the world around you. The angel of insight reminds you that you can find the tools to understand any situation if you seek focus and illumination from the depths of your being. Sometimes your own instincts are all you need to guide you down the right path- keep a journal, and note any instances when you have trusted your heart and found enlightenment. Or sit quietly and ask the angel a question, writing down whatever comes into your head, no matter how strange. These practices can help you connect to the universal energy flowing through you, and bring you Crystal-Clear Vision.” - Christine Astell
In one word, my takeaway from that reading is FORGIVENESS.
When you are hurt, when friendships are on the rocks, distance is important for both of you. Reflect, revisit, write, journal, feel your feelings. By ignoring a situation, big or small, you are in fact pushing that occurrence, that hurt way down inside your stomach. That can cause health issues and resentment in the long run, no matter how much you love that friend. By yelling and lashing out, hurtful words may be spoken that leave scars. When trust is broken and hearts are damaged, it's deep. Deep hurt gets rooted and attaches to our body's muscle memory. Though you may “skip over it” , however, it definitely leaves a dark print inside of you. At the time you may think “it's fine, we are fine” and things will go back to “normal” but it's always there. It’s so important to clear the air, no matter how that friendship ends up being on the other side of the conversation.
So back to forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not necessarily accepting that someone hurt you and you are forgiving them for what they did. Forgiveness is for YOU. By forgiving someone for something they have done to hurt you, intentional or not, they still hurt you. By praying, journaling and clearing that space inside of you around this person, opens up more love and light within you! Try it!
I personally have no “beef” with anyone. “A N Y O N E”
You may like me, dislike me, follow me on social media to cheer me on or hope I fail- that’s your problem. Guess what? I forgive you and I do the act of forgiveness for me, within me, so my heart is healed and whole. So I can unapologetically be MYSELF. People who hold onto anger, envy, meanness or jealousy, that’s about THEM, not YOU!
Inclusion.
I am a “come one, come all” kinda person. I accept every part of everyone. I do not EVER intentionally leave people out or do something to spite another.
WHY? Because it's been done to me and it hurts.
When you are left out, it hurts and that hurt can feel like heartbreak…because it is. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, you can ask why or you can choose to move on, work on yourself inwardly and know that maybe those friendships were not the 2 way street you thought they were. Ugh it sucks and worse than a boy breakup when it comes to heartbreak in friendships. Sometimes we outgrow relationships. They are like soul contracts. I believe we have soul contracts with people. People come into our paths for a purpose, some stay and some leave…for a purpose, a lesson. It doesn’t make that blow feel better. Finding peace inside of yourself does.
I have done so much inward work on myself, and continue to work on me - for times like these. These times are what I like to describe as DEFINING MOMENTS, unexpected hardships we go through in life that are dropped in our laps.
I’m watching my children be so incredibly loving and understanding, giving themselves grace when they haven’t been the greatest friend, or treated unkindly by friends and learning- DON’T do unto others that have been done to you… DO BETTER, Choose to BE better. Or as the golden rule says, treat others how you want to be treated…and teaching them to go the distance and even treat them better.
Forgiveness will lighten your heart.
When you feel anger, upset and worried. Hold that feeling with your hand where you feel it in your body, give that feeling love and light, then drop it out of your hand, out of your space and give it up to God.
Here is one of my biggest, most valuable tools I have used dozens of times to find my way to forgive others.
I grab a notepad and write that person a letter.
A 3 part letter, starting off with “Dear Friend,”
I first write to that friend how much their relationship means to me and what I liked about them and us. I tell them what our friendship has given me- strength, laughter, fun times. Then I tell them I’m hurt & why I feel this way. In my last paragraph I write about how I forgive them for the heartache they caused and I am ready to release it from within me. Taking my freedom back.
I sign it, then I put it aside. When I’m ready, sometimes it could take weeks, sometimes right away I take a lighter and light it up on fire. As I watch the letter turn to ash, as the flame ignites my feelings feel comforted and heard by God and the weight and resentment subsides.
This is a choice. We can choose to hold on to anger, hurt, upset- but that’s only hurting YOU, not the other person. They are moving on. By staying in the place of hate, resentment and loathing, you are really living in a fear based thought- and you will stay here forever until you have made the choice to forgive that person, for you. So you can move on through yourself, leveling up inside of you and being a beaker of light. With each situation we choose to see through the lens of love, the more connected we are to ourselves and the better, tighter, truer friendships we attract.
Actions speak louder than words and second chances are a thing. It's important to grant others grace too and give them another chance. But you need to forgive them first in order for your new friendship to blossom. Whatever you choose, it's a choice, friend or foe.
“Surround yourself with people who care about you, not those who say it, but those who show it.” Alex Elle
XO Aubrey